I find myself in so many ponds, wandering around, dipping my toes into this and that. It seems my tastes in all avenues are changing. I’m getting darker. Not negative mind you, but, less light and fluffy. I feel rage beneath my demeanor. Help me, my Angels.
So many things have changed over the year of 2013. I don’t really know what’s to come for 2014. I know what was expected for this past year, and some of it happened. Some, not. I am on a roller coaster. I think I was supposed to have gotten off of it, a while ago. You see, I didn’t really pay for a long-term ticket. I’m still trying to write, I’m still trying to help those in my life, I’m still moving. I’m unemployed. I’m feeling loss, and excitement for what’s to come, but fear too.
I will keep writing. I took this photo of the buttercups above. The photo was taken in my backyard, I can say that now, at the true end of autumn. These flowers I didn’t pick. I recorded their sharp beauty before the temperatures dropped. They’re dead now, been dead. But I still captured them by my camera. I remembered Nature, when no one else knew She was alive in my backyard.
I’ll keep going forward, until someone tells me I can stop.
song right now: Florence and the Machine Over the Love
It’s not every day we try to analyze our thoughts and feelings. Typically on a good day, it doesn’t come up. We just are what we, think what we think, and feel as appropriate. But, that’s not working for me. Not anymore. Now is the time in my existence when there is more needed from me than I’ve ever been prepared to give.
I don’t think I have the right tools, actually. I don’t think I’m strong enough to save your life. I want to believe I am. I’ve thought for the longest time that I am. But, this test that I’m in, where I’m supposed to live my life and help you through yours, I’m failing. Miserably. I don’t even know if you’ll wake up tomorrow. How do help you?
I’m not judging you. I don’t do that anymore. Because, apparently, it’s never helped. This isn’t going as planned.
There is a tale of a woman made of fire
Her eyes a ruby red and her heart bright like the sun
So the story goes, she was in love with the Man of the Moon
Dark madness seeps from his skin
That didn’t bother Jane, she had her own share of madness
It seemed as though Lune had more troubles than he could count
Either way, the two danced in a ballroom together,
Their steps always in time with one another
The decline of their time together was subtle at first
He didn’t know he had fallen out of love with her
For the music had slowed
She didn’t know he had fallen at all
Graceful leaves fall to the ground in their ballroom
A leaf touches Jane, she clutches it in her fist and it burns
To the ground she glides with the deadened leaves
She leaves no mark on the world
He passes away from her
His love ill and decrepit now
Lune rushes away quick passed Jane’s rage
It blossoms like her fire